I HAVE A NEED
Many do not KNOW their need(s)
Having been conditioned to do the right thing, say the right thing, keep your emotions to yourself, be the strength for your kids…
It can take a while to even feel oneself enough to feel/understand one’s needs.
This becomes a problem when in communication.
How can one determine what is bothering them if they don’t know what they NEED?
How do you even know if your boundaries have been broken if you don’t know your Need, your yes and no? We will talk about this more below!
It’s not selfish to think about what you need and even what you want.
In fact, it’s essential.
One is best served when you know your yes’s and my no’s. One is easily trampled when one does not.
It is not a simple task to discover what you’ve kept hidden. Maybe you had to keep your feelings and needs hidden. Maybe you were judged for wanting or needing. Maybe you relieved physical punishment for speaking needs.
Maybe your needs simply didn’t matter to those in control.
A client of mine was in a situation with a colleague that had said, “I have your back! You can be true and real around me”.
My client was so new to even thinking that she could have respect and have boundaries that would be honored that when the boundaries were broken, she put the blame onto herself.
When her female colleague made sexual jokes and innuendos at her expense, she was hurt, angered, terrified and yet she cut the offender/perpetrator breaks-she had too much to drink, she couldn’t have realized what she was doing would hurt so bad. I asked her, what would she feel if I did that to her? Or if the colleague did this to her best friend?
Then she had different reactions. “I expect to be safe with you Joe. So if you did this, it would be a violation.” “If she did it to my friend, I’d be so angry!”
She had been trampled upon so often when she was a kid, so abused, so disregarded. Never having a safe place or time to say, hey that hurts, that is inappropriate, uncalled for, way out of line!
So when the insult and harmful statements were made at her expense, she did not know that she could say/yell, “What the heck! You are way out of line! These are insults and attacks on me and setting me up to be taken advantage of by this person!”
So get clear on your needs!
Respect, Safety, Dignity, Being Heard, Honesty, Protection, Integrity in Communication
Further for family, friends and romantic relationships are: Love, Admiration, Respect, Honesty, Cherished, Affection, Desired, Honored
Once we know our needs, we can create effective boundaries and people will self filter as they either respect or break your boundaries.
It is not necessary to restate your boundaries to someone that has trampled on them. You do not want to beg to have them be honored, simply learn from people’s actions and let them show if they deserve to be a friend or honored one in your life or not.
You get to be seen and honored for the amazing miracle that you are! Speak your truth and honor your own boundaries by getting clear with what you need and desire in your life! Joe Petroski Profoundly Living, LLC https://profoundpower.net/
